I hate exercise. I hate going to the gym. I do not care much about being overly fit, nor do I care about losing every ounce of fat off of my body. I agree with Jennifer Lawrence when she said “I hate people who say they love to workout. I want to punch those people in the face” because realistically there is nothing fun about feeling like your lungs are on fire, or not being able to walk for 3 days, or ice baths. How is that even enjoyable?
That being said, I love food. I love food so much that if I did not exercise I would morph into food. Luckily for me, I eat good food, but damnit I love nachos and cheese, so alas, I must exercise.
I do not go to the gym unless my boyfriend decides he wants to join me in which case I will briskly walk on an eliptical for 15 minutes and throw in the (lightly sprinkled with sweat) towel. So, here is how I stay in shape by working out at home.
I don’t want to set aside more than 20 minutes to workout, because again, I hate exercise. So, make sure you work your ass off in these 20 minutes, and make sure you want to cry by the end of it, otherwise it was a total waste of time.
1. Squats. I have been cursed with the booty of a white girl, because I am one, thus I must squat. That being said, 20 squats will not get you far, so pick up a box full of stuff or a piece of furtniture and squat while holding said object.
2. Yoga. I don’t mean all of this inner-peace meditation-breathing-exercise bullshit, I mean this shit:
Yes, you can do the downward dog and breathe, and then do a regular plank for as long as you can, but once you get into the side planks, and side-plank crunches, you will be ready to cry and this is a good thing. Get into these side planks, and then try lifting legs, arms, and switching sides all while remaining in a plank position and hot damn you will be fit in no time.
3. Dance. This is the easiest because well, it doesn’t feel much like exercise. I like to use this video:
Do that a few times and not only will you be sweating but you will also get to enjoy some Beyoncé. Win-win.
4. Stretch. If all you can muster up is a few stretches, make them count. Stretch until you feel like your muscles may almost rip apart. Your body needs to constantly be reminded that you are able to push your limits, and you must push them from time to time. I once completely erased my love handles by simply stretching every night and every morning for maybe 5 minutes, because my body was just not use to doing much else.
5. Jumping jacks/burpees. When all else fails and you really just want to get it over with, do jumping jacks or burpees until you cry and that will be enough. But, do not stop unless your arms and legs give out. There is no other excuse. Do your burpees until your body just stops working and you fall over, and this really only takes about 5-8 minutes. Trust me.